Don’t waste your time on these two things

What is your best state in your daily life?
You may have many answers, but one that may be particularly easy to ignore and have a personal impact on us is this:Immerse yourself in what you are doing, the feedback and feelings it gives you, and experience every moment of the moment. Peace of mind, no worries, no worries, no hurry, no worries.
This is a particularly comfortable state. You will feel as if you are one with the world, as if time has stopped moving, filled with a sense of satisfaction, and truly aware of your own existence.
But it is also extremely rare. Many times, we can not control our thoughts, it is always full of all kinds of thoughts.
Or, is to turn the clock to the“Past”, constantly emerging a variety of regrets, failures, unhappy memories, into frustration and self-criticism;
Or it’s turning the clock to“The future,” constantly worrying about all sorts of things that haven’t happened yet, adding to anxiety and stress.
Why Did I do that?If only I had done that;Will this thing fail?What if something goes wrong?……
You must be familiar with these voices. They are always in our best moments, suddenly out of control“Into” the mind, bringing a series of associations and emotional ups and downs, breaking our state, so that we are forced to stop.
Especially introverted and sensitive friends, this feeling may be more frequent and more intense.
Even, if it’s serious, these thoughts can stick in your mind like gangrene, instantly making you feel down and everything around you instantly dark, i can’t focus on what I’m doing. It’s like a black hole, firmly in your attention.
It can be said that regrets about the past, and worries about the future, are the biggest enemies of our lives and work, as well as our happiness.
Only by overcoming them can we regain control of our lives.

So why these two phenomena? What are the mechanisms and reasons for their existence?
Let’s start with worries about the future.
Why do we worry about something that hasn’t happened yet? The most basic mechanism is the“Threat sensitivity” of the brain. The brain constantly scans us for possible threats around us, alerting us to them so that we can avoid them as much as possible.
So what happens if the brain finds no threat in the current environment? Two possibilities arise.
The first is that the brain tells itself: now the environment is safe, I can rest assured. As a result, we feel relaxed and comfortable, able to concentrate on the task at hand, full of energy.
The second, is the brain told themselves: impossible, there must be something I missed, I want to find it out. So, since there’s no threat in the current environment, the brain uses mental time travel to imagine the future, to bring the future into the present, to scan…
Even, in order to identify threats, the brain unconsciously“Catastrophizes”: that is, it picks out the worst of the possible futures and treats them as real threats, send us an alert — although the probability of these possibilities appearing may be less than 10 percent.
Why is that? What determines these two branches? In a word, a sense of security.
It is because we are insecure from the bottom up that the brain has a greater need to recognize that our environment is safe. Then, based on this strong need, the brain will want to exhaust all possibilities, to find out all the factors that may affect and destroy the sense of security. … If you don’t have it in your current environment, look for it in the future.
Yet it is this relentless scanning and searching that reinforces the threat, forcing us to believe that there is a risk that things will go wrong and that we are not really“Safe”.

In other words, it’s a vicious cycle: the brain goes to great lengths to find a threat in order to feel secure, but it’s that search that highlights a threat that might not otherwise exist… It further undermines our sense of security, which in turn strengthens our brain’s belief that we are insecure, so we need to find more threats…
As a result, you will find that once you get into this vicious cycle, your worries will become endless. Even if you solve one worry, tomorrow there will be another. Because the brain stubbornly believes that“No threat” doesn’t mean it’s really safe, it’s more likely that“I don’t see a threat.”.
To avoid this, it will try to find a threat for us, even if it“Creates” one.
We’re like Don Quixote, attacking an enemy that doesn’t exist.

Based on this, we have another need: control.
Why? The reason is simple: there are many possibilities in our lives, there are many paths, which is the safest choice? Of course, we choose the most familiar road.
But is life so easy to live up to our expectations? Most of the time it’s impossible. We want to choose one path, but it’s easy to be led to another; we think it’s going to turn out this way, but by chance it’s going to turn out that way; we think it’s going to turn out this way, … But it didn’t happen as we predicted. … these are very common.
Thus, our excessive need for security creates a powerful need for control: we try to take 100% control over our lives, to choose the best path to achieve the best results, avoid all mistakes and problems.
This is the root of regret: Why Do We Regret? The essential reason is our desire to control everything.
Would it have been better if I had made a different choice?If I had acted decisively instead of procrastinating, would all these problems have disappeared?If I had known then, would I have been able to make better decisions?……
What is the nature of these ideas? It’s our deep-seated belief that we are the hero of the world, that we have to get the best of everything, that everything has to be under our control: we want to make the best choices, get the best results, … Take the wisest course of action, avoid making any mistakes…
But is this illusion right? Of course not.
Is what we think of as a“Better choice” really a better choice? Will it really lead to something better than this? Not Necessarily. Too often, we simply impose our unfulfilled wishes and fantasies on an option, constantly embellishing it, polishing it, turning it into a false illusion.
Life is complicated. Any outcome depends not so much on a choice as on a series of subsequent actions and decisions, as well as on timing and luck. If you don’t think your current choice is good enough, even if you can“Read the file” and go back in time to make another choice, the result may not be as good as you expect.
:Doesn’t the brain know about this? It knows, it just can’t accept that I can’t have 100% control over my life, so it has to find a scapegoat, push all your regrets and resentments onto the“Alternative” and Tell Yourself:
I had 100% control over my life to achieve the best possible outcome, but because of some mistake, I made the wrong choice. So I’m going to criticize myself, blame myself, if only I had done the right thing…
This is the root cause of our suffering and self-criticism.
We are in essence punishing ourselves with an infinitely glorified illusion that does not exist.

You See? These two kinds of thinking, in fact, have one thing in common: they are aimed at the object, in fact, does not exist.
Are our worries about the future real? Not really. They didn’t happen. Even possible risks are often overstated by the brain and may well never happen at all.
Are our regrets about the past real? Not really. The“Better choices” we use to compare do not exist, they are simply a“Scapegoat” that the brain sets up to satisfy its need for control.
That is to say: what causes US worry, anxiety and stress is actually something that does not exist. There is no real problem waiting for us in this world, only air.
In this sense, the brain is like a cautious but“Incompetent” housekeeper who works hard and devotes all his energy to meaningless tasks, the goal seems to be to prove to you that“I’m working hard” doesn’t help our lives in any way, but adds a lot of obstacles.
But is it all his fault? Not really.
What is the root cause of this steward of the brain? For fear of our reproaches.

What are the origins of security and control? Because we are not satisfied with ourselves. We are not satisfied with the status quo of our lives, think that there are many problems in their own body, think that they made many mistakes, think that they did not do the ideal“Perfect” appearance…
。It is this self-criticism and dissatisfaction, that constantly drives the brain, to do all kinds of meaningless things, in order to“Make up for lost time,” to fill and repair this dissatisfaction.
But is this dissatisfaction real?
Actually, no.
As I have said in many articles, we all have in our minds a perfect and wise “Ideal self”, who is infallible, absolutely rational, Ray of Light, impeccable, … He has none of our faults, none of our fears, anxieties, vanities, selfishness…
We hold ourselves to his standards, demand ourselves, discipline ourselves, and when we find a gap between us and him, we criticize ourselves, criticize ourselves, and demand that we be better in every way. Ask yourself to be more self-disciplined, more resolute, more decisive, more action-oriented…
The brain is afraid that you will blame it, only to try to prove themselves.
But where does this“Ideal self” come from? Comes from two sources.
。On the one hand, it’s a collection of wonderful attributes that are instilled in us by the outside world: a successful/good person is necessarily self-disciplined, determined, decisive, and highly motivated… . … He is not bothered by trifles, he is always goal-oriented, strong-willed, decisive and full of courage.
On the other hand, it is actually a“Opposite image” that we find and give to all our shortcomings by assembling them. For example, we subconsciously feel that they are lazy, will subconsciously think: a good person is definitely not“Lazy”, he is always full of passion, always on the road to action…
。The combination of internal and external causes of these two aspects constitutes the“Ideal self”. What is it? A utopia, a nonexistent, illusory horizon.
Many of our suffering, in fact, is also from this, from this utopia can not reach the pain.
But does the pain mean anything? There isn’t. It will only bring more trouble into our lives, reduce our motivation, upset our state of mind, destroy our mood…

So the most important thing to get over this, to get over regrets about the past and worries about the future, is to make yourself believe and accept this:
There is no point in dwelling on this illusory utopia. There is no“Better” state that I can attain. My current state is the“Best” state I can achieve in reality.
Every state of life is the best state of being; every“I” is the best“I” in all possible worlds.
For every decision we make, as long as I think about it carefully in making it, it’s the best I can do, no matter what result it brings, I have the obligation and responsibility to bear.
Similarly, every action we take is the best path we can take right now. Beyond that, there is no better path, nor is there a wiser, more correct“I”.
Now I, is the best I, but also must take responsibility for their own I. In my past career and experience, everything I have achieved has matched my present self.
By accepting this, you can accept this set of inferences from the bottom of your heart:
The mistakes we make are the mistakes that everyone can make.
We have done a good job, the remaining factors, many of which we can not interfere with.
We don’t have to avoid all problems, we just have to wait for them to happen and then solve them.
We don’t have to be perfect, we just have to make ourselves better, more in line with the direction we want to go.
There is no standard for us to meet, no external problem for us to complete, we are free.
We can be whoever we want to be, show who we really are, Act and move in the direction we want to.
The most important thing is to cherish the present moment and enjoy every minute of our life.

Finally, share a few simple tips to help you effectively adjust your thinking.

1. Change your name
If you’re used to ruminating and using“I” as the subject, such as“Why did I do it?”“What was I Feeling?”“What was I thinking?”. … try a different person and think of him as the subject.
比如:For example:

Why would he do that in this situation?

How did they get here?

What does he think things are, and what does he think they are?


In this way, the parts of the brain responsible for processing“Others” and“Cognition” can be highly activated, thereby suppressing self-centered emotional feelings and allowing us to disengage from immersion.

2. The bystander approach
Think about it: if your best friend were in the same situation right now, what would you say to him? How would you help him out?

What words might you say to comfort him?

?How might you analyze his situation so that his thoughts are as close to the truth as possible, rather than being exaggerated by your own fears?

What measures might you advise him to take to avoid losses and minimize risks?


This can be very effective in helping you to regain your composure, to rationally identify exaggerated and highlighted concerns, and to move on from unnecessary fears.

3. Example alignment
Many people have more or less a few role models. It could be a celebrity, a teacher, a senior, a boss, or a close friend. … they tend to have some of the characteristics that you want, that you want and work towards.
So the next time you get caught up in ruminating, think about this: what would he think, what would he do?
If you don’t have someone like that in your life, you might as well assume, “What would a wise friend do in such a situation? This often helps you stay alert right away and get out of your emotional rut.
By the way, a lot of the time, the way we construct our“Wise friend” is the way we want it to be. So you could also think of it as allowing your future self to travel back in time to help you:What would my future, more mature and wiser self do in a situation like this?
This allows you to always see yourself from a higher perspective and get out of your emotional rut.

4. Focus control
When you experience that your thoughts are running wild again, when you suddenly have a shadow on your heart, a little anxiety, anxiety and fear
Try saying to yourself: this is all false. I’m fine now. Most of the things I worry about don’t happen.
Then gently pull your attention back and try to focus on something. It can be feeling your surroundings, opening up your five senses, to feel and experience, or it can be pulling back to the task at hand, letting yourself move and filling in the gaps in your attention.
Practice this until it becomes a habit. This allows our brain to become more controlled, thus allowing us to mentally distance ourselves from all sorts of distractions and not be at their mercy.
You’ll be more comfortable with what’s going on in your life.

What is a shadow? A Shadow is a place where there is no light.

Go forward a little, don’t stay in their own fantasy, go forward, go to the Sun.

You will find that there is no shadow at all.

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