Are you a social terrorist or a social bully?

Make an interesting observation.
I have said in many articles: I am a highly social fear of people. At first I thought it might be a niche phenomenon. As a result, in recent years, I have found that“Social phobia” as their own label, it seems that more and more people. Many people have started to introduce themselves in this way.
Is this the social trend of the new generation?
Just kidding. Actually, that’s a good thing. This shows that our time is allowing more and more people to speak out. Many phenomena that might have been considered“Abnormal” in the past gradually became“Normal” and began to be recognized and noticed by the society. They no longer have to hide themselves and force themselves to act according to worldly norms.
Including what. Introversion, sensitivity, depression, sexuality, and, of course, social phobia…
Today’s article, I want to talk about this topic with you. Hopefully this will help you understand better: do we need to socialize? What kind of social interaction do we need?

First, let’s talk about the topic at the beginning of this article:为Why do more and more young people think of themselves as“Social phobia”? Is there any reason other than the original fear of the people concerned?
One Big Reason: this is a highly atomized age.
We know that human beings are social creatures. What is one hundred thousand of the fundamental instincts that has accompanied human evolution over the years? It’s a group.
What is the purpose of this group? It is to maximize our sense of security, to keep us out of danger, and to work together to deal with external threats. Therefore, for human beings, the most natural way of life is the traditional rural civilization, everyone resettled, long-term maintenance of a more stable way of life, living environment and contact groups, thus gradually formed the group pattern of kinship and geography.
This pattern creates a social culture of mutual support and collaboration that satisfies our needs and desires for the security of“Togetherness.”.
But urbanisation has broken that pattern. In big cities, people are divided into individual units. Whether it’s where we live, where we work, or in our daily lives and trajectories, we communicate and connect as individuals. And our environment is often changeable, fast, light, so it is difficult to form effective contact.
Think about it: are you familiar with your neighbors in the same neighborhood? Do you communicate and keep in touch with your colleagues in the company? How many friends do you meet and party with every week or month?
Most of the time, our relationship with the people around us is just a nodding acquaintance. We live as individuals, interact with others as individuals, and maintain boundaries and distances with others as individuals.

This is atomization: the rapid development and absorption of urbanization, so that each of us are cut into a“Atom”, along their own trajectory with others to communicate and interact, maintain the appropriate distance. Too far and there will be suction, too close and there will be repulsion.
What does that amount to? We are cut off from our own circles and communities and thrown into a highly uncertain environment. We don’t know if the people around us are“Different” or how many of them are“Like” us. Everything is unknown.
This creates huge uncertainty.
It is this uncertainty that keeps us The Hours in a state of heightened alertness and arousal… We don’t know what kind of people we are dealing with. We don’t know if others are like us or like us. We don’t know where their boundaries are. We don’t know what strategies we should adopt to deal with them.
And this uncertainty is hard to eliminate. The accelerating pace of modern society has made everyone so busy that we rarely really get to know the people we connect with. You may have lived with your neighbors for years, but did you know them well? Have you ever had a closer relationship with a colleague in your office than you do at work or with your boss?
It is this high degree of uncertainty that puts a heavy burden on our social lives at all times. We need to put on a layer of mask for themselves, to adapt to different occasions, face different people, show a different“Persona”…
Especially for the introverted, sensitive, and overthinking people, to design this layer of masks and personas, to pay attention to their own words and deeds, to understand and receive information from strangers, is a much more difficult task, putting a higher load on their brain.
Over time, “Social” becomes a chore, a burden on our minds.
Every sociopath, don’t they need to socialize? Not Necessarily. They just don’t like the way it takes a lot of resources, to build a persona, to deal with and eliminate uncertainty.

So, do we have to be social? Is it possible that we don’t need to socialize as much as we need to focus on living our own lives?
As mentioned earlier, “Clinging” is a basic human instinct and need that comes with evolution. The same is true of socializing. Many studies have found that social interaction is a low-level need in the brain that is rooted in our physiology.
For example, a 2020 study found that a pathway in the prefrontal cortex of the brain is activated when humans interact with living objects, and vice versa when interacting with inanimate objects, this pathway remains silent (Ninomiya et al. , 2020) . This means our brains are naturally more sensitive to“Human feedback”.
This phenomenon also exists in other mammals (monkeys) . This shows: for mammals, social, and how to better adapt to social, is a very important, it is worth devoting a“Function” thing.
Thus, in most demand models, positive social feedback is a basic need, along with food, sleep, and stability. When lacking, it creates an internal imbalance (Cacioppo J et al. , 2014) .
。For example, a 2020 study found that a prolonged lack of social interaction with other people triggers very similar brain responses to hunger and thirst, namely anxiety, restlessness, and panic, and the desire for effective social cues (Livia Tomova et al. , 2020) .
In other words, if you spend a lot of time between work and home, going to work, staying home, and not being able to socialize effectively, you’re literally starving your brain.
Over time, it may lead to a breakdown of dopaminergic neurons in the midbrain, making it harder to produce dopamine autonomously, it depends more on external stimulation and feedback-that is, games, variety shows, movies and TV shows, information flow, that is, all kinds of short-term stimulation of entertainment.
Therefore, there is a saying that“Stay at home, people waste”, perhaps there is a little truth.

But there is no need to worry too much.
In fact, a lot of times social interaction is not a question of“Yes or no”, but a question of how much. Everyone needs a different social quota. Some people are energetic and enjoy making new friends and meeting new people; others are less social and have a few friends who are good enough to keep up with the latest developments.
How do you know how much you need? One of the most effective criteria is: do statistics show that when you are alone, do you feel comfortable and comfortable, or do you feel lonely and want to communicate with others?
When you’re alone, take a moment, ask yourself how you feel, take notes, and calculate the ratio.
If you’re the former most of the time, that means your social status is appropriate and you don’t need to be social; if you’re the latter more than a third of the time, that probably means, you’re a little bit social and need to find a way to make a change.
Many people think that social interaction is to be in groups, to call friends, to be a group of people together; many articles will also be“How a person” as a“Very poor” sign, … For example: a person eating, a person shopping, a person entertainment, a person to the hospital…
But is it? Not really. Solitude has nothing to do with socializing: one can be alone without being lonely, because one does not need to socialize much.
Studies have shown that intentionally chosen solitude can be peaceful and rejuvenating, but forced social isolation can trigger brain resistance. (Nguyen T et al. , 2018; Thuy-vy T et al. , 2019)
In fact, people who enjoy being alone may also be smarter. A 2016 study of 15,000 people found that people who achieved more at work and in their careers-those who were generally said to be smarter-were more likely to be alone.
Researchers believe that smarter people tend to be more adaptable and therefore less subject to environmental distractions and influences. In other words: for most people, “Being alone” is something to get used to. But smarter people find it easier to adapt and have fun in this solitude.
Smart people, on the other hand, have a higher ability to solve problems independently and a lower need for social support. As a result, they are naturally less socially demanding.
So, if your social status matches your needs, don’t worry about it-even if you’re always alone and aloof in the eyes of outsiders, your heart is full and you don’t need to fill it, this is great.

So, what kind of social interaction do we need?
Many people think that the basis of social interaction is benefit, and the essence of social interaction is to exchange benefits and create value for each other. Anything else is“Meaningless”.
I have to say, this is probably a more popular view of modern people. It’s true, but I’ve always found it too cold, too insensitive, and too impersonal.
So, what is the nature of social interaction? I prefer to define it this way:The essence of socializing is to find people who are in the same boat as you and build your connection to the world.
As I said earlier, the so-called“Social phobia” and“Social dysfunction” stem in large part from this highly atomized age, where we are forced to put on different masks in front of different people, play a“Character”. And what is the ideal and most appropriate social interaction?
It’s when you don’t have to put on a mask or play a character.
There are certain situations, certain people, where you feel comfortable in front of them, where you don’t have to play a certain role, you don’t have to conform to certain social norms, you just have to play yourself, you can present yourself naturally and calmly
。This is the perfect social situation for you. I call this“Co-frequency”.
Take one of my most impressive cases.
I built a lot of student groups. Often someone in the group quite touched to say: there are many topics, a lot of thinking, no one can talk, only here to talk to everyone, and only here, only to find people willing to listen and exchange discussions.
I was also surprised by the number of group discussions: even though we were all strangers from far and wide, there was always a spark in the group, a spark of very interesting ideas and ideas, mutual help… Encourage each other…
I think this is the same frequency. When you find a partner who can“Act Like You”, when you find a place where you can say whatever you want, you don’t need someone to tell you, your heart will tell you, your feelings will give you feedback, and you will know, this is the place for me. This is my kindred spirit.

So I thought, what’s the best way to socialize? It may be different for everyone, but what works best for everyone is to seek out people who share your interests, hobbies, and underlying values. In this way, it is easier to find a partner with the same frequency.
。So I often suggest that you take a little bit of time, about 15 percent of your time, in your life, to get out there, to meet different people, to try new possibilities. Maybe you’ll open a door and find a way to socialize that works for you.
比如:For example:
To expand their interests, to participate in their interest in training courses, clubs, salons, parties, contact with the corresponding groups and circles, expand offline channels;
Explore platforms or content sources that suit your tastes, join their community (if any) , and participate in their activities to screen for people with similar tastes and tastes
Build small, beautiful communities, bring people together, try to do things together, see if there’s a spark;
Or, if you have the ability and the means, to try to make your own voice, to do a public account, a video or a podcast, to gather together a group of people who are“In sync” with you, … Into a tiny, thriving little universe…
These are opportunities that we can try and explore.
A good way of socializing might be to think about the benefits, the value, but I think it’s really important to find people, to gather a group of people with similar cognitive level, aesthetic taste, and similar interests, and to be able to talk to each other, the pleasure and happiness will be much higher than the former.
It makes you feel truly connected to the world, that you are a part of it.

Finally, share a few social tips:
1) enhance transparency
Studies have shown that people who express themselves more fully in social interactions and are consistent with their actions tend to have higher subjective well-being; they also tend to score higher in social interactions, it is less prone to conflict and conflict. (Human L et al. , 2019)
We are always careful to maintain a“False” harmony, but do not know each other is in fact the same.
In many cases, honest communication and being honest with each other is a friendlier and more efficient thing for both parties.
2) give more
For example:

See what you can do and answer.

Do something for someone else.

Try to coordinate and adjust when there is conflict.

Put yourself in someone else’s shoes.

Share your own experience and knowledge to help others…


These are all ways for you to show yourself and“Get closer” to more people. You have to show yourself first, then you will have more chances to meet the same frequency of people.
3) don’t worry about making mistakes
It’s easy to put the other person on the“Judging panel” and ask him to rate our social skills and performance lest we do something wrong-but is he really the judge? No, the other side is also a player, also looking forward to your score.
While you are waiting for your partner to grade you, think about it: the other person is in the same position as you, and he is also“Carefully” waiting for you to grade him.
In this way, you are less likely to feel anxious and can better present yourself.

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